Parents. Yeah, parents are to blame for the world’s lack of wit. Do you remember when you were young and your parents would nag you for hours on end? Then suddenly, you would think of a brilliant comment to render their speeches invalid? In 95% of such situations, the adult in question would win the verbal duel. You know why, because when you’re young, the old people always triumph – usually with ’stop being such a smart arse‘ (or ’smart alec, if you prefer). I don’t know about you, but I have always been perplexed by those two terms; what is wrong with being smart? I grew up thinking that witty returns were forbidden in this world. Because they said so.
Tonight at dinner, I was in a pretty pissy mood, in fact, I am most Fridays. On Fridays, we always eat the same fucking dish. This said dish, not so bad when you first have it, even after a month, it’s not so bad. However, after four years, I find it so difficult to swallow, that I have to grate it with my teeth into a mush before I can consume – what, it needs a new texture. I know, ungrateful child. Sue me.
Anyway, we were waiting for someone in the house to come to the dinner table so we could start eating. Except, the toilet was occupied so we assumed that they were in there. Well, Mum asked, ‘Where is [said person]?’, followed with statements such as, ‘They are taking so long’ and ‘Why are they taking so long?’. To the latter, I thought, Obviously, they saw the plate of food they’re expected to, you know, eat. They ran. Logical explanation. See, if my life were a sitcom, I would have been able to say that aloud, followed by a round of applause even. But no, I’ve been forced to suppress comments of such a nature. My latest comebacks are nowhere near as good as those I could conjure up when I was younger. If there’s one thing I regret, it is not keeping a book of smart arse comments. Might come in handy.
Fun fact, whenever I used to get lectured (those ones where you have to keep silent), I’d use my tongue to write what I was bursting to say on my teeth. Scary or what? Devilishly pure. I suddenly feel like this is turning into a confessional. Stop me now. Oh yes, back to blaming parents…
Why aren’t children allowed to show off their wit? After observing the monkeys at the zoo over the years, I have come to believe that humour is an innate human trait, if not a human need. It’s like how we suppress our ravenous desire for sex by coating it with layers – ‘love’, Valentine’s Day, the sanctity of marriage. ‘No, you cannot have sex in public because we live in a civilised society’. Civilised. Humour is treated in much the same way. ‘No, you cannot answer back, no matter how smart you think you are’, ‘Why?’, ‘Because I said so! Now go to your room and stop asking so many questions!’ Yeah, ’cause you haven’t found an answer either, have you?
I hope that my children don’t feel I’m violating their freedom of speech. Not saying that I approve of people mouthing off and creating unnecessary spectacles – I know there’s a boundary. But wit is on the right side – it takes effort and to an extent, creativity and brilliance. Of course, as children, it comes so easily we hardly realise it. That’s the thing, adults have lost their gift. Not all adults though; authors and script writers primarily, still continue the legacy. There should be something like Mensa for witty people – a high-wit society. Will be my Christmas wish this year.
